Grief and Guilt

My sister updated me on what was going to happen with my step-mom's body. She'll be cremated Saturday and, a small service will be held afterwards. I think this makes sense. They'd have to use blowtorches to carve out a grave for her in the ground if they wanted to bury her. They have between 7 and 8 inches of snow and ice in Michigan right now. The high yesterday as far as I know was 5 degrees Fahrenheit.

As I stated previously, I very much wanted to attend the funeral BUT, Saturday is the worst possible day for me. Anyone who has ever worked as a substitute mail carrier knows that is the day most of the regular carriers want off. Also, as a substitute, I don't earn any paid vacation time. I checked into flying out the day of the service and, it would cost $70 more to do that. That would pretty much wipe out most of the money I would make the previous day (I usually get to work full routes Fridays and Saturdays).

I spoke with my Dad and, he said he didn't see any reason in my coming up there. It wasn't going to make any difference to her. He was right but, her death still hurts. There is also guilt over the fact I thought I had plenty of time and so I didn't mail her the gifts I'd bought for her and, I wanted her to have. I never knew she was that sick and, I would've liked to have been able to say goodbye and tell her I loved her one last time. Flying into the mess up there won't enable me to do those things so there isn't any point in going.

Her death however has made me determined to go home and see my Dad, my sister, my brother and my Dad's wife. I want to see them and enjoy them and make sure I won't feel this way if death should come knocking again God forbid. I've learned the hard way nothing is forever. Hopefully, I'll cherish the family I have left more thanks to my step-mom. We'll see.